Dear Annie,

My 9 year-old daughter is the odd-one-out in her class. This “mean girl” has been saying hurtful mean things to my daughter and has shunned her on many occasions. The other girls in the class are beginning to do the same thing. I’m concerned about my daughter. Should I contact the school and can you suggest any reading materials to help both myself and the school in this matter? Thank you in advance for any help you can give.

I would love to come to one of your Friendship Workshops, unfortunately we are on the opposite side of the country.

Mama Lion

Dear Mama Lion,

I’m really glad you wrote. I’m concerned about your daughter too. There’s absolutely no excuse for “mean girls” to act the way they do. There’s also no justification for the adults who live and work with kids to allow it to happen. Treating other people with respect needs to be taught and reinforced, especially when it comes to girls and their friendships.

So my answer is “yes”, I think you should contact the school ASAP and talk to the principal. And since you know the name of the girl, I would suggest to the principal to arrange a meeting between you, your daughter, the other girl, and her parents. Like I tell kids in my Friendship Workshop, you don’t have to be friends with everybody but it’s never ok to be intentionally rude or cruel or insensitive. The classroom behavior you describe has to stop, and it’s your responsibility to be an unrelenting advocate for your daughter and her well-being. If the school does not take this shunning and harassment seriously, go to the district office.

I also feel that it’s important for you to help your daughter understand that she deserves real friends. That means friends who will treat her with respect, be trustworthy, and loyal. Tell your daughter that you're confident she knows how to be a real friend, and help her start looking in other places (outside of class) to find real friends.

For other resources, check out my recent article, “Real Friends vs. the Other Kind.”

I’d also highly recommend your reading Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons. I’m sure the principal and the faculty could benefit from reading it as well.

In friendship,
Annie

Hey Terra,

My mom started dating this new guy about a month ago. I’ve grown up without a dad...so it’s really weird. I snooped and saw some emails back and forth between them. One of them said: “Hey there HOT babe!” And then he was talking about marriage. That just shocked me. I have talked to this guy 2 times in person. I know it was wrong of me to read her emails, but I’m not sure this guy’s for her. He just seems mysterious and it kind of scares me.

I don’t want to see my mom hurt and I don’t want anything to be rushed. I’m really uncomfortable around him but I try not to show it.

Finally I talked to her and she got angry at me. I feel like I’m being ignored and it’s not the greatest feeling. I told her it made me sad when all she talked about was him... she got even more angry and then made me feel guilty so I forgot about how I really felt. I’m just really tired of hearing about him... And I know if they get married he will be in my life, but it’s a little too fast for me. I just need time to take it all in.

I’ve tried so many ways to deal with emotions... but they’re not working. I’ve got a sister, but I’m in 7th grade and she’s in 12th and will be gone to college soon. I feel really alone and depressed. I’ve been skipping breakfast and sometimes lunch and I don’t know if that’s affecting me. I try to eat and I want to but I just can’t stop thinking about my problems and I end up throwing my lunch away. I’m really confused on what I should do.

Dear EMO

I’m sorry to hear that your mom is having trouble listening to you without getting angry and defensive. Maybe you hit a nerve (do you understand that expression?).

You’re not alone. Talk to your sister. The age difference means nothing. You are sisters of the heart and there’s no one who can better understand how you are feeling about this pending change in your family. Yes, she’ll be gone to college soon, but she’s here now, isn’t she? Talk to her. Take a walk together. Connect. You’ll feel better.

As for skipping meals... Not a smart idea. I understand that stress can make you lose your appetite. But did you know that hunger is an intense physical stressor? In other words, if you don’t take care of your body and eat good foods, rest, keep yourself hydrated, etc., you are increasing your stress levels?! Also, when you’re stressed (and you don’t de-stress by getting support and taking the time to calm down, relax, and think about your options) your body’s immune system can start having trouble fighting off infections. Stressed out people tend to get frequent colds. The cold weather’s coming and you don’t want to get sick.

All of these are reasons why you should take care of your body, your spirit, and your emotional health.

Have you got a school counselor that you could talk with?

In friendship,
Terra

P.S. Take a look at this. It’s a guide I wrote for parents to help their kids through emotional times, but you can use it to help yourself.

Hey Terra,

My mom came in to my room last night and explained why she had gotten so angry. I was still upset because I felt as if her boyfriend was trying to replace my dad. (I know that’s not the case, but it still feels that way.) I cried and when I made a statement (not a mean one) she would get a louder voice but then she settled down.

As for the meals, now that I know that hunger stresses you out I will take care of myself and get the right rest and eat properly.

Thank you so much... and I think me and my mom have worked things out!!

Much Happier Girl

Dear Much Happier Girl,

I’m so glad to hear that you and your mom are communicating better. I’m proud of you for making the effort to be so honest with her. I’m proud of her for really listening to what you had to say.

Just to let you know, stress is something that often trips up people. So even though you and your mom have had a wonderful breakthrough in your communication don’t be surprised if some time in the not too distant future you two have another conversation that doesn’t go as well as the last one. We’re all human beings and we make mistakes. It comes with the territory. But the good news is that you’ve told her the truth of your feelings about her boyfriend and how it makes you feel when she gets angry and defensive in that way. From now on, if you can recognize when you’re not communicating, it’s going to be MUCH EASIER to get a conversation back on track.

The key is staying CALM. And when you find yourself about to lose it, take some slow deep breaths and get yourself back in balance. Only when you’re calm and speaking respectfully to your mom, will you be able to remind her (and yourself) that the two of you love each other and have what it takes to communicate clearly and effectively.

Getting the rest you need and the good food is also going to do wonders for your mood.

Take care and be well.

In friendship,
Terra