Dear Annie,

We recently moved here and needed to go out of town. I asked the neighbor if either of his sons (a middle schooler and a high school student) would like to feed our cats while we were out of town. The dad said that one of his sons would take care of it. When we arrived home, we discovered that someone had cooked in our home, left the pan in the sink, left the unfinished food in our family room, watched TV (it was on a channel we never watch), drank a beer (it was in the trash can), and drank almost all our cooking wine (really bad wine!!!). A glass from their home was left by our sink.

My husband and I are wondering what to do. I wanted to run over and ask which son I should pay for the pet sitting services, and also return the glass. I wanted to phrase it this way so that in case it was one of the parents and not any of the boys, then I would not have to worry about the alcohol. If it turns out it was one of the children, how do I advise the parent that their son cooked, ate, and drank our alcohol?

In our old neighborhood, first, none of the kids ever helped themselves to anything while pet sitting for us and secondly, if anything had been amiss, I was good enough friends with my neighbors that I could just tell them. I’m not sure what to do here. If I were the parent, I would certainly Want to know what my children were up to, but I’m not sure all parents want to hear those kinds of things. Any advice?

Shocked Neighbor

Dear Shocked Neighbor,

I hope you’ve gotten your house key back! It’s really difficult for me to imagine any responsible adult who would do what you described. Frankly, I’m stunned that any middle or high school student would do it either. And to leave such blatant evidence around, well... that’s just plain stupid on top of being audacious. Clearly a kid did this and that kid needs to hear from his parents and from you as well that this was absolutely unacceptable behavior. He’s got to apologize and make amends.

My suggestion is that you talk to the parents. Tell them that you’re appreciative of the care their son took of your cats. And you want to thank the boy and pay him, but there was something else you need to talk about first. Then describe exactly what you discovered when you got home. Afterwards, you might say, “We’re feeling a little upset about all this and want to know what you think.”

Then LISTEN to what the parents have to say.

Any responsible parent is going to appreciate the information. If for whatever reason, the parent gets defensive then you need to find a new pet sitter.

Your thoughts?

In friendship,
Annie

Dear Annie,

Thanks for your quick reply. I want to give you an update. This afternoon I rang the bell when I knew the mom was home. I returned her glass. She wasn’t surprised. I asked who mainly took care of the cats. She said they all went over to take care of them. I asked more pointedly who took care of them Sunday night and she said she wasn’t sure. I mentioned the beer and she said that her husband probably had the beer and then I mentioned the bad wine that I thought no adult would consume and she asked if she could pay for it. I said no that I was more concerned if it was consumed by one of the boys. She said she would look into it but didn’t seem stunned or angry. I was completely baffled. I was even more stunned that her husband would have had the beer. Maybe it’s ok in this part of the world to just help yourself - adult or child.

I tried.

Shocked Neighbor

Dear Shocked Neighbor,

Wow, I’m stunned too. What an unbelievable response! Yes, you tried. And that’s all you can do. Brava to you for your efforts and good luck finding more responsible pet sitters. I’m sure there are other parents in your new neighborhood who share your values.

In friendship,
Annie

Hey Terra,

My mother smokes and she hasn’t told me. I found out and it hurts that she didn’t trust me enough to tell me. I am 12, and have no desire to smoke or anything like that, but for some reason she doesn’t trust me. She doesn’t know I know, but I want to tell her I do. What should I do?

Freakin’ Out

Dear Freakin’ Out,

Did your mom just start smoking? Or is this an old habit that she’s picking up again? Maybe you don’t know the answer to that. Either way, it may be that she’s smoking now because she’s under a lot of stress and she doesn’t know healthier ways to deal with it.

You should definitely talk with her about this because clearly it’s bothering you. But before you have this conversation, you need to know exactly how you feel about it.

You say that it “hurts” that she didn’t trust you enough to tell you. I understand that. But maybe the fact that she’s hiding her nicotine habit has nothing to do with trust and everything to do with her concern that you might model her unhealthy choice and become a smoker yourself. She must know that smoking isn’t good for her health, and I’m sure she’d never want you to smoke.

You say you have “no desire” to do that, and I’m really pleased to hear you say that because it shows that you have respect for your body and your health. But the truth is that if you’ve got a parent who smokes, you are more likely to become a smoker.

My suggestion is that you educate yourself about cigarette smoking. That includes the very real dangers of second hand smoke that comes from living with a smoker.

After you’ve gotten clear about your feelings and why smoking is such a bad habit, then talk to your mom about her smoking. Often, when kids say that they’re worried about their parent’s health that wakes up the parent and motivates her to change her behavior. I hope that happens with your mom.

In friendship,
Terra