January Parenting Article
The Winds of Change

by Annie Fox, M.Ed.

“... being blind to the changes in front of you isn’t the best way to parent your kids.”

No way is it 2007 already! Weren’t we just doing the Y2K thing? We must be experiencing time “inflation” or something equally weird because 24 hours just doesn’t last as long as it used to. And what about our kids? They’re growing up at warp speed, for sure. It’s probably a blessing that we’re all too busy to notice them morphing into adults before our eyes, otherwise how scary would that be? Of course, when it comes to other people’s kids, you can’t miss it. But with your own… well, we parents have our blind spots, don’t we? But being blind to the changes in front of you isn’t the best way to parent your kids.

Life is all about change and our ability to deal with it. Our bodies, our feelings, our kids, our relationships, our situations are all constantly changing. (So are all the molecules on your kitchen table, but we can save that for another time.) The more I meditate and breathe and read and write and think and teach, the clearer the changing nature of life becomes. The more I twist my torso into improbable positions (hey, it’s not painful, it’s yoga!), the more I learn how flexibility is the best tool I’ve got going for me.

“Steady in the winds of change,” my yoga teacher says. Steady as she goes. Steady, strong, centered. Those are the keystones to effective parenting. But steady doesn’t mean “stuck” and true strength requires insight into what’s needed right now.

Suppose you’ve always had a close relationship with your 12-year-old daughter. She’s been a kid who’s told you everything she thinks and feels. You’ve prided yourself on your closeness and like how it reflects so positively on your parenting skills. Then one day you walk past her room and the door’s closed. You go in. She’s listening to music and reading. “Hi Dad,” she grins, not removing her headphones.

You sit on the bed. “Hi, sweetheart. So tell me, what’s new with you?”

“Nothing.”

An awkward silence follows.

“You want something, Dad?”

You shake your head and slowly walk toward the door. “Dad,” your daughter says sweetly, “Next time could you please knock?”

“Sure, honey,” your smile belies the ice pick skewering your heart. In the hallway your mind reels. Why should I have to knock at my own child’s door?! We’ve never had closed doors between us! She must be hiding something. I’m going back in there and demand that she tell me what’s going on. I couldn’t talk to my father about important things but I’m going to make sure that my daughter…

WAIT!

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January’s Recommended Read

Reading this book was like being on a meditation retreat with a focus on what it means to be a parent. There’s so much wisdom here that’s directly applicable to the unique job of raising healthy human beings. Happily, the authors are experienced teachers and wise enough to use a reassuring tone throughout that really allows the reader to hear what’s being presented. Not surprising since Jon Kabat-Zinn is founder and former director of the Stress Reduction Clinic, as well as author of two best-sellers, Full Catastrophe Living and Wherever You Go, There You Are. While the Kabat-Zinns talk about all stages of childhood, their insights into the challenges of parenting teens were of particular interest. Here’s a sample of what they have to say on that score:

“Being empathetic in the face of rejection requires us to not let our own hurt feelings get in the way of seeing the pain our child may be feeling. In some sense our children have to feel us holding on to them, no matter what repugnant (to our mind) spells come over them, no matter what dark disguises they try on.”

That’s something to keep in mind next time you’re dealing with a raging or negative teen. Here’s another really thoughtful question posed by the authors:

“When you were a child, what did you most want from your parents?”

Interesting one to ponder, isn’t it? And think how your answer could help guide your parenting! This is the kind of invaluable “inner work” Everyday Blessing gives you an opportunity to do. I recommend this book for its power to change parents and families for the better.

Check out my Recommended Books here...