Out of Control Teens:
“My 15 year old daughter's boyfriend is a bad influence.”

Hey Terra,

I am a mother of a 15-year-old girl and a 13-year-old boy. My daughter is a bright child whom is very obedient towards me and her father, but lately she has started going out with a 16-year-old boy and she has gotten out of control. She is verbally abusive towards me and my husband, her schoolwork is neglected and she is very temperamental. She is starting to lie and is always throwing things in our faces about how stupid we are and that we "don't let her do anything." I'm very concerned.

Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom,

It may be that your daughter who has always been "very obedient" has reached a point where she's asserting her independence. This is normal and natural... but being verbally abusive to her parents, blowing off her schoolwork, and lying all definitely sound like warning signs that something else is going on. You seem to be attributing these changes in behavior to her connection with her boyfriend. If that's the case, then he may, in fact, be a negative influence on her and you're going to need to intervene.

Here are some questions you should be asking yourself:

  • Are your expectations for your daughter's behavior clear?
  • What consequences have there been for her neglected schoolwork, rudeness, lying, and other unacceptable behavior? What do you know about the young man?
  • What family rules do you have in place for your daughter vis a vis dating?

Don't allow her to push your buttons (and I realize that that's easier said than done, but as the adults in the family you need to stay calm and think clearly). Don't let her get away with lying and "throwing things in your faces." She's not in charge here, you are.

But it sounds like you're at a loss. It also sounds like you believe that your "out of control" daughter is the problem. She may be making the most noise, but it's clear from your description that your whole family has a problem (and I'm sure it's affecting your 13-year-old son as well). You need help regaining the authority and power that comes with your role as parents and protectors of your children. I would strongly suggest that you waste no more time and get help from a licensed marriage and family counselor. This situation will only get worse if it's ignored.

Do your whole family a favor and get counseling. It will help you learn to communicate more effectively on all levels. Good luck.

In friendship,

Annie

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