HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

“I just wanted to go to sleep”

“I came home after school to help my mom clean the car, house, and help pack and load baggage because my mom, dad, and three younger siblings are going on a 16-hour drive for the holidays. My dad gets really stressed and crabby before a big trip, which makes the rest of us stressed too. He kept coming into my room and yelling at me about homework, why my room’s a mess, why the kitchen is a mess, and then he went back to asking about homework. I was constantly thinking about my projects and when, where, and how I was going to get all of this done and I just wanted to go to sleep (because that’s how I relieve stress). Then I remembered what you said about the whole breathing thing, and I did it and it really worked! While I was concentrating on my breathing I calmed down, finished my packing, everything… then I had to stop and do the breathing again! lol Then I cleaned the kitchen and got everything I needed to done. Thanks!” —a high school student

Dear Annie,

My 12 yr old daughter is going to her first dance tonight. She is going with a boy (though they are meeting there). She seems to want a boyfriend, but doesn’t really know what that entails. She had a “boyfriend” last year for a few weeks before they both figured out that it wasn’t working. They held hands, but didn’t really talk, and I think it felt too forced on both their parts. Now she’s a year older and I think she wants to try again.

She seems very confident and strong willed, so I’m not afraid of her being taken advantage of (a problem I had when I was young). She’s always talked to me about her feelings, but now I’m afraid she’s starting to hold back a little. I’m OK with that, but want her to be able to talk to someone or get info from a book.

So my question is — would your book on teen relationships and dating be too old for her?

Mom on the Shelf

Dear Mom on the Shelf,

I hope your daughter has a wonderful time tonight. I appreciate your understanding of your daughter’s need to separate from you by “holding back a little” in conversations about her feelings. It’s really important that her need for privacy is respected.

It’s equally important that you a) not take her pulling away personally (it’s not about you at all!) and b) make sure she knows that you are always available to listen whenever SHE chooses to talk to you about anything. When she does come to you, do your best to listen more than you talk. Often young adolescents just need for their parents to hear what they have to say, listen with compassion and respect and let them know that whatever they’re feeling, it’s all perfectly NORMAL.

Here’s an article I wrote on the fine art of listening.

As for The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating, I wrote it for middle and high school students. The emails I’ve included (along with my answers) represent a broad range of “relationship” issues including: your relationship with yourself, with your parents, with your friends, and, of course, the Boyfriend/Girlfriend Zone. So, while your daughter obviously has not yet had direct experience with the dating issues the emailers describe, the book is a wonderful reference that she will come back to again and again as she needs it.

Many parents also use the emails in the book to trigger meaningful discussions with their teens and pre-teens.

I hope this helps.

In friendship,
Annie

Hi Annie,

Thanks for your response. I really appreciate it. I read the article on Listening and the timing is perfect. I’m guilty of multi-tasking when my daughter tries to talk to me. It can get difficult because she talks a lot, and often right at bedtime or when I’m trying to get something done. But I will make sure to not let trivial tasks keep my attention from her.

THANK YOU!!

Mom on the Shelf

Hi Mom on the Shelf,

I’m so glad that something I said was helpful to you.

Enjoy the holidays and write to me any time you need help sorting things out.

In friendship,
Annie

Hey Terra,

I have a friend who has an eating disorder. First, she “trained” herself not to eat, and whenever she does she throws it up. She does a little better sometimes, but it still happens! No one knows except my friend and I. Is there anything I can do to help her other than what I’m trying? (When I can I’m making sure she doesn’t throw up and that she eats.) The symptoms/aftermath of her eating disorder are kicking in now. She often is dizzy and feels like she’s going to fall over and is dehydrated. I know you’re going to say tell someone and I kinda think we should do that but the other friend doesn’t. Is there anything other than that that we can do to help her?

Angel in Distress

Dear Angel,

Eating disorders kill. Seriously. You care about your friend, but you can’t give her the help she needs. It’s not just a matter of keeping an eye on her to make sure she doesn’t throw up after she eats. First of all, you can’t be with her 24/7 and secondly (and more important) eating disorders can only be treated effectively by trained therapists and health care professionals.

Educate yourself about:

• eating disorders on this page in The InSite.
• an organization that offers treatment, ANRED (Anorexia Nervosa and Related Eating Disorders).

By not telling an adult about your friend’s dangerous condition, you are delaying the start of the help she so desperately needs.

When you said you thought I’d tell you to “tell someone” you’re right. And the someone I have in mind is your mom. You need to do that... Today.

If, for whatever reason, your mom doesn’t want to call and talk to your friend’s mom about her daughter’s eating disorder, then tell the school counselor ASAP.

Your friend’s life depends on this.

In friendship,
Terra