Dear Annie,

My 13-year old stepdaughter keeps her bedroom door locked whenever she is in it, day or night. My husband allows her to do it. I say she should not, for several reasons, fire, safety, not knowing what she is doing on the Internet, etc. Also, when he wakes her up for school in the mornings, he has to bang on the door forever, while she tells him to go away, before she finally opens the door. Should she be allowed to keep her bedroom door locked?

Locked Out

Dear Locked Out

Step-parenting a teen can very challenging. The onus falls on the adult to create an emotional “landscape” in which a teen feels welcome. Maybe an attitude shift on your part would be helpful. I obviously don’t have the whole picture, but in light of the fact that your husband doesn’t think there’s a problem here, it sounds like you may be letting some assumptions color your view of your stepdaughter.

It’s normal for a 13 year old to want privacy. I wouldn’t necessarily assume that just because she locks her door that she’s doing something she’s got no right to do. She may be, and she may not be. I can’t say what the odds are either way because you don’t reveal much about the child’s overall responsibility level, trustworthiness, or her relationship with her father or you. Has she indicated by her past behavior that she’s making inappropriate choices vis à vie her school work, her friends, her activities, and/or her overall behavior? Or is she, essentially a good kid who has a history of making good choices? In other words, is there something to be concerned about here?

I suggest you talk with your husband about how the two of you get on the same page as you assess your stepdaughter’s behavior. That will help you both see what, if any, changes need to be implemented in your collective parenting approach. If you have reason to be concerned about her isolation while she’s at home, then I suggest you seek out the help of a licensed marriage and family therapist.

In friendship,
Annie

PS: I’d recommend your reading Re-Married with Children. You might also want to read this letter from a step mom and this one concerning a rocky relationship with a stepdad.

Hey Terra,

My parents don’t like me as much as they do my older sister. I listen to them and stuff but my sister doesn’t. She gets what she wants when she wants it, but I never do and I’m the good kid.

Good Kid

Dear Good Kid,

It sounds like you feel less appreciated and less loved than your sister. That probably hurts and confuses you since you’re “the good kid” and deserve some recognition from your parents for your good behavior. Even though it seems that your parents “don’t like you as much as... your older sister” I’m sure that’s not really the case. What’s more likely is that because she’s less cooperative than you, your parents believe that caving in to her demands makes more peace in the family. Not true! She’ll just get more outrageous in her behavior.

It’s too bad your parents haven’t been showing you how much they appreciate what a good kid you are. But don’t lose hope because there’s a solution here. (And it doesn’t involve your acting out like your sister to get more of their attention!) Tell them how you feel. They’re probably not even aware of what they’re doing. By talking to them calmly and respectfully, you give them a chance to understand where you’re coming from and to change their behavior toward you so that you get more of what you want and need from them.

I hope this helps.

In friendship,
Terra