“Bring on the SATs”

“After the assembly at my school today, I tried your breathing exercise and I found that it does work after all. It was when I was taking a practice SAT in preparation for the real test which I am taking soon. I realized that I was under stress when I had less than 15 minutes left for the section and had many problems to complete. My heart was racing, and I was very nervous. I breathed. Immediately, I did not notice much, but gradually I began to relax. My head became clear and I was able to think better, I was almost unnervingly relaxed seeing as I am used to stress! I am eager to try it during the real thing, and I thank you for your insight into the psychology of teens, and all humans, for that matter. Thanks a bunch.” —an 11th grader

Dear Annie,

My 8 ½ year old son is an only child. He is a bright, happy, creative and well-liked child who has been given plenty of personal responsibility. We’ve always been very close and I have spent a lot of time getting to know his friends in a way that respects his freedom. I have not been possessive or intrusive. He is well behaved, often exemplary (we don’t expect him to be perfect, we expect him to be respectful). Very recently, he has started being rude and sarcastic to me, often in front of friends. I have trouble not taking his behavior and comments personally. I think this will become more common as he gets older and I want to nip it in the bud. When he speaks badly to me in front of his friends, the friends generally don’t respond so I don’t get a clear view that he is trying to impress them. I always respond to these comments although usually I use a firm tone and tell him that this is unacceptable. How do you suggest I respond to him? Is this developmentally appropriate for his age (although behaviorally inappropriate)?

Thank you very much. I heard you speak last year and really enjoyed your presentation.

Dissed Mom

Dear Dissed Mom,

It’s not uncommon for a boy your son’s age to start to get mouthy with his mom, especially around his friends. Not that it is acceptable at all! You are absolutely right to let him know, in a firm tone, that what he’s doing is unacceptable. Though there’s no need to embarrass him in front of his friends, you should not give him the impression that when his friends are around that you are impotent to do more. You are not. You are the parent. You need to take back your power from this little boy.

Have a conversation with him today. Tell him what you have observed. “It seems that you are rude to me when your friends are around. Maybe you believe that your friends think this is cool. Being rude to your mother is never cool. And I am no longer willing to have you talk to me this way.”

Clearly, he is targeting you for a reason, though he may not be able to articulate it. Please don’t think that I believe you have done anything to deserve rudeness. I know that you have not! But in his 8 ½ year old brain, he may be feeling the need to push back against you. Perhaps he is trying to distance himself from his vulnerable, nurturing and “feminine” side (which you represent) as he becomes more aware of social definitions of “maleness.” By acting this way, he is telling you that you cannot give him everything that he needs right now.

Of course his behavior is hurtful and it’s challenging not to take it personally. But you’d be wise to realize it is NOT about you. Allowing yourself to be stung by a little boy’s lashing out does not teach him the lessons you want him to learn.

Instead, tell him this is going to end NOW. Tell him that the next time he speaks to you disrespectfully there will be an immediate and predictable consequence. If your son chooses to be rude to you IN THE LEAST LITTLE WAY, then he chooses the consequence. He needs to understand that you are not “doing this to him,” that he is choosing this behavior and this outcome himself. If that happens when his friends are there, then you will inform his friends immediately that the visit is over. No need to be emotional or reactive. Stay neutral, but stick to your guns. By doing so, you will be educating your son about how his choices have consequences. You will be role modeling that you are a person who keeps her agreements. You will also be teaching your son that you are no longer willing to let an 8 year old be the boss of this family.

His behavior may get worse before it gets better. If so, he’s testing you. Stay neutral and stay CONSISTENT. If sending his friends home doesn’t wake him up, then institute a consequence that has more value to him. Computer time? TV time? Whatever your son values most is what he chooses to lose when he chooses to be rude to you. When the rudeness is replaced by respectful behavior toward you, then he earns back his privileges.

In friendship,
Annie

Hey Terra,

I asked this girl who I really like to homecoming and she said yes. However she wants me to ask her again in a more cute way. I want to go with her but my friends think that what she said was just stupid and I shouldn’t go with her just for that. What should I do?

Superbad

Dear Superbad,

Hmmm. Sounds like she’s playing some weird game... Either she wants to go with you or she doesn’t. I don’t think you need to bend over backwards to ask her in some “cute” way (whatever that means). On the other hand, if you let your friends’ opinions rule your life, you may end up missing an opportunity to make your own choices. If you “want to go with her” then do it.

In friendship,
Terra

Superbad: Ok thanks I’ll go with her and hope my friends will be ok with it.

Terra: And if your friends aren’t ok with it, then what?

Superbad: I dunno but if they were really my friends they shouldn’t mind.

Terra: True. And if you are your own person, you wouldn’t let other people tell you who to go out with.

Superbad: Ya thats true too. I just don’t want my friends to think I’m too soft.

Terra: If “soft” means “tender-hearted” or “paying attention to your own feelings” then why is soft a bad thing? And if you are soft then why wouldn’t you want your friends to know it? Because they might make fun of you for having feelings? I don’t know any human being who doesn’t have feelings! Maybe these friends don’t really “get” you.

Superbad: Okay. I guess they are just going to have to accept me for who I am and what I do.

Terra: You’ll find that you care a lot less about acceptance and approval from
other people (including friends) if you totally accept and approve of yourself.

Superbad: Thanks:)

Terra: You’re very welcome. :O)