Dear Annie,

My daughter is 11. A boy in her class has a "crush" on my daughter. This has been going on since 3rd grade. He follows her everywhere, buys her presents, makes comments about when they get married and have kids. When other boys pay attention to her he says he will haunt her wedding and make sure that she will not be able to marry anyone else. He picks fights with the other boys. And every time she turns around, he is staring at her – "creeping me out, Mom" and making her nervous. Today, when I picked her up at school, there he was taking pictures of her with his digital camera.

Trust me, my daughter no way encourages this behavior. We need to find a way to get this boy to leave my daughter alone. This behavior is not cute, it's creepy!

Mom Seeing Red

Dear Mom Seeing Red,

I totally agree this is creepy behavior and must be stopped now. For the sake of your daughter's safety (emotional safety and, possibly her physical safety) you need to make this your top priority.

Have you talked to the school about this boy and the unsolicited, extreme attention he pays to your daughter? If you haven't talked to them, you need to, immediately. If you have talked to them, then it's time to demand a meeting between you and the boy's parents and the school counselor. (Your daughter should not be involved.) The adults in the boy's life (teacher, principal, counselor, his parents, the parents of his "victim") all need to send him an unequivocal message that what he's doing is wrong. It's harassment (he's not too young to have that term explained to him). It's unacceptable and it's illegal. He needs to get this clear in his mind otherwise his lack of boundaries is going to a) create problems for other girls in the future and b) get him into serious trouble.

Let your daughter know that you hear her concerns and your share them. Let her know that she is absolutely entitled to be free of this harassment. Let her know that she can count on you to fix this and that, starting tomorrow, you are "on the case." With the few facts you've provided here (and any other specific incidents you can document of his behavior) you are ready for a serious meeting with this boy's parents.

Go for it, Mom!

In friendship,
Annie

Dear Annie,

Thanks for your reply. It feels better knowing that I am justified in my cause for concern. As a matter of fact I emailed the school counselor the same time as you. I need support in my cause, so thank you for your sound advice. Once I hear from the school counselor I am sure we can make a change for the better. My daughter deserves a safe educational environment.

Best,

Mom Seeing Red

Dear Mom Seeing Red,

You've done the right thing. Please let me know how the school handles it from here.

I'm on your side.

In friendship,
Annie

Dear Annie,

The counselor quietly brought my concerns to the attention of my daughter's teachers. That seemed to really open the flood gates, because all 6 of her teachers reported that they too had noticed his behavior towards my daughter, and have had to explain to him how his behavior was influencing my daughter's life and he had to stop. However since each teacher saw it as an isolated incident that they handled themselves, they did not feel the need to bring it to the attention of the administration (which provided a learning experience for everyone – they now have to report all incidents of misbehavior to the staff's attention). But once they found out that all of them have had to discuss the same issue with him – it came time for an intervention.

Things have changed from what I can tell, since my daughter does not come home with stories of "guess what he did today."

Knowing that we have such a great counselor, knowing that she responded so quickly was a great sigh of relief for my husband and I. And put the smile back in my daughter's life.

Again, thanks for your concern!

Mom Seeing Red

Dear Mom Seeing Red,

Sounds like a very positive response from the school and a good outcome for our daughter.

In friendship,
Annie

Hey Terra,

I'm a vegetarian. For some reason every time my mom makes meat, the smell makes me sick. I can't ask my mom and my stepdad to stop making meat just cuz I hate the smell and hate the food but I also can't vomit every time they make it. What should I do?

Very Veggie

Dear Very Veggie,

It's your right to be a vegetarian. And of course, it's not realistic for you to expect your mom and stepdad to stop making the kind of food that they want to eat.

People who live together should try, whenever possible, to work out some compromises. That takes a willingness to talk about the problem (calmly and maturely) and to LISTEN to their side of things in the same way that you want them to listen to you.

Your goal? To not feel nauseous when you smell meat. I'm sure they want that too. They also want the freedom to cook what they like in their own kitchen. They have that right.

Perhaps your parents could create a cooking schedule so you know when to avoid the kitchen. Maybe you could be outside when they're cooking meat. Or you could use that time to take a shower (the smell of shampoo will probably cover up the cooking smells). Or maybe simple nose plugs would help the situation.

If everyone involved in the conversation has a good attitude and a willingness to discuss things with an open heart and mind, you're likely to find a solution.

I hope that helps.

In friendship,

Terra