Hi Annie,

My husband I are in the middle of a divorce. It breaks my heart that our 15 yr old daughter has aligned herself with her dad who really is a Disneyland Dad. He has often inappropriately complained to her about the divorce, about me, about financial woes, and she is to a point where she quotes him verbatim. She was an angry child to begin with — coupled with being a teen and now a child of divorce. She has no summer plans and her father has effectively kept me out of the loop. I don't know what goes on at their house. I am the last to know. This is how he punishes me — and my daughter does the same. Yes, she is seeing a therapist and so am I. My soon to be ex-husband is not.

My question — how can I help get this teen into a summer program? I hate to see her sitting all summer and doing nothing.

Thank you,

Out of the Loop

Dear Out of the Loop,

I'm sure it's very frustrating not to know what's going on during the time your daughter is with her father. I'm very glad to hear that your daughter has a counselor to talk to during this time. And it's also good that you have someone you trust to help you get your life back in balance. Perhaps with the coping skills you're learning you will be able to reach some decisions with your ex about the best ways in which you two can co-parent your daughter.

As for her summer break... It sounds like you believe that too much unstructured time won't be a healthy thing for her. Instead of creating a battleground over it, how about having a calm and respectful conversation about "summer plans"? Explore some options ahead of time. Depending on your daughter's interests these might include anything from volunteering at a veterinarian's office to getting a job through a Parks and Rec Department Day camp for young children to getting an unpaid "internship" with a chapter of an environmental organization.

If you have the financial resources, there are also some wonderful group travel programs for teens that include community service. Do some research before you have the discussion with your daughter. Ask her (calmly) what she envisions for the remainder of her summer break. LISTEN to what she has to say. Tell her how you feel about balancing unstructured time (which she needs after the demands of school) with structured time. Why is that an important thing to you? Share with her any memorable summer experiences you had at her age. The idea is to work with her so that you are dictating less and acting more as a consultant. Always keeping her needs and interests in mind while you guide her in healthy directions.

So, explore some options on your own first, then bring your "cards" to the table and talk to her.

Sound like a plan?

In friendship,
Annie

Hey Terra,

I used to be an active social person; now I frankly hate everything. I used to bike, play basketball, write and publish poetry. Now I do nothing.

My friends keep telling me that I am not myself anymore. I even lost the brightness in my eyes. I don't sleep as I used to do. I stay all night awake thinking of what I am doing here and why my life has changed this way. I am mostly locked in my room lying on my bed and thinking.

Lately I have thought of committing suicide. I took pills from my dad's closet without telling anyone as a means to commit suicide. The result was that I had severe stomach pains and constipation but unfortunately didn't die. I want my old me back. I want to be out of my sadness and loneliness. I need someone to help me out. I don't want to end up committing suicide and succeeding.

Depressed

Dear Depressed,

You are going through some difficult times and I'm very proud of you for loving yourself enough to know that you need help.

Please tell your parents what you've just told me. They love you and they want you to be safe and happy. You deserve to be much happier than you are now and you CAN be... with help.

Please, do yourself and a huge favor and reach out to your parents in the same way that you reached out to me. They must be aware that something isn't right. Go to them, today, and say, "Mom, Dad... I need help. I'm sad all the time. I'm thinking about hurting myself, and I don't want to. I need to see a therapist. Please, help me find one."

Ok, sweetie? Will you talk to your parents?

In friendship,

Terra

Hey Terra,

It is me again Terra. Thanks for your reply and concern. But sorry, telling my parents is the most impossible thing I would do. They won't hear. They won't understand what I am passing through. I and my parents are on different levels of communication. We rarely talk. Even when we talk, they don't show me any interest in my intellectual, emotional, and psychological problems. They aren't that understanding.

I tried once before to communicate with them and all I got was a bunch of shouts and huge anger against me. They think that I am not helping myself as everyone does and that is why I am ending up this way. But I swear to you, Terra, it is not that way. I am really tired and I need someone's help. My parents aren't going to help me out, they would blame me more and more and make me feel I am driving myself toward this bad way of living. My dad is a doctor and he rarely talks with me. Mom believes I am a spoiled kid and thus have made my life miserable. But I am not a spoiled kid, and I am not happy I am living this way. Can't you help me with something else because I can't tell my parents. They aren't that able to understand me. Please Terra, can you?

Depressed

Dear Depressed,

Ok, I hear what you're saying about your parents. Though as a mom myself, I know in my heart that they love you and that they would never want anything bad to happen to you.

The other help I can offer is for you to start educating yourself. You may be "depressed" -- that would have to be determined by a therapist, but here's a first step to give you more insight into what might be going on. Read this article I wrote for my website on depression.

Then call the phone number at the bottom of the page if it feels like you're ready to do that. Or if you're not feeling suicidal right now (and I certainly hope that you're not) then here are three teen help lines that will connect you with caring trained individuals who can begin to help you sort things out:

Covenant House Crisis Support
1-800-999-9999 (24 hrs)

Family and Children's Mental Health Hot Line
1-800-654-1247 (24 hrs)

Youth Crisis Line
1-800-448-4663

All of these are free calls and they will NOT appear on your parents' phone bill.

I care about you and I want you to get the help and support you need.

If you don't want to talk with your parents, please consider making the phone call and getting the help you need and deserve.

In friendship,
Terra