Hey Terra,

I just had a fight with my stepsister. She really hurts my feelings sometimes. She says I'm fat and stupid. Whenever I think of it it makes me cry.

Unappreciated

Hi Unappreciated,

I'm sorry to hear that you and your stepsister aren't getting along. You two deserve a much better relationship with each other... and you can have it. So instead of continuing the fighting, the name-calling, and the hurting, how about trying something different?

Since you're the one who wrote to me, I'd suggest you take the lead in making peace in your family. Tell your parents about the problem and ask for their help. I’m sure they’d love to see you and your stepsister get along, so they'll probably be happy to work with you. Show your parents this email and suggest that they call a Family Meeting where you can start talking about the problem and figuring out ways to make things better.

Good luck. I hope this helps.

In friendship,
Terra

Dear Annie,

My husband and I just discovered that our 7th grade son has been visiting porn sites. We’ve told him how inappropriate these sites are and that he is not to log on to them any more. He promised he wouldn't do it again, but we just found out that he has. He is a good kid and was very embarrassed about the whole thing. I know he's at the stage where he's likely to be curious about all things sexual and we're really not uptight parents, but this stuff is totally against our family values. Help!

Drowning in the Surf

Dear Drowning,

I’m glad to hear that you realize how normal it is for your son to be curious about sexual things. I hope you’ve let him know that you don’t think that there’s something wrong with him for being curious. On the other hand, you have the right to set limits on the kind of media that comes into your home.

Healthy relationships (inside and outside the family) are built on a foundation of trust. You need to trust your son when he makes an agreement. And I'm sure he wants to feel the same sense of confidence in his parents when you make agreements with him.

Bottom line:

• Make sure your son doesn't feel like he’s a bad kid because he looked at porn and found it stimulating.
• The adults in the house make the rules for the family. And those rules need to be respected.

One more thing, it’s important for kids to know their parents’ values. Some questions to explore together might include: Is pornography a good thing or a bad thing? For the producers (the sellers)? The people posing in the photographs? For the viewers (consumers)? How might exposure to porn as a child affect one's ability to have a healthy sexual relationship later in life? What are the existing laws that limit the access of minors to pornography? Do you think kids need laws like that to protect them?

Young adolescents are much more likely to comply with rules when they are part of the process. That means being able to fully question the restrictions, voice their opinions, and feel that they are HEARD. Even if their parents don't budge, the child will feel good about the fact that he/she has been treated with respect.

I hope this helps.

In friendship,
Annie