Dear Annie,

I’m trying to raise my 16 year old to be “alcohol and drug free,” at least until she goes off to college. Recently she wanted to see what it was like to get drunk with a group of her friends. Things got out of control and she called an adult to get her out of a bad situation. Now her “friends” aren’t talking to her... saying she was trying to get them in trouble! She’s known these girls for years and they’ve been drinking and smoking pot for quite some time now, but the other parents continue to turn a blind eye to it. I’m having trouble dealing with the other parents’ lack of concern and their belief that “everybody is doing it!” I don’t care if that’s true. I don’t want my kid involved in it!

Do I need to step back, or am I doing my job as a concerned parent?

NEEDS ADVICE!!!!!!!!

Dear Needs Advice,

You are absolutely doing your job as a concerned parent (the only kind worth being and having).

It’s unfortunate that your daughter’s friends are giving her a hard time for doing the right thing. They’re demonstrating their lack of maturity to blame her for the poor choices they’ve made.

As for the other parents, well, my only hope is that their denial or negligence doesn’t come back to haunt them in the form of some preventable tragedy involving their kids and drugs and alcohol.

Of course you don’t want your daughter anywhere near these girls when they are drinking or doing drugs. If, for some reason, she still wants them as friends and to hang out with them, you’ve got to let her know that until those girls start making better choices (i.e., no more drugs and alcohol), your daughter is NOT to hang out with them in an unsupervised capacity.

By the way, your email doesn’t mention how you handled the choice your daughter made to “see what it was like to get drunk.” I’m curious. Surely the level of trust you have in her judgment was damaged. How did you deal with that?

In friendship,
Annie

Dear Annie,

I felt like my daughter was severely punished by her friends — who are still not talking to her and have told their version of this episode to the entire school via IM’s and MySpace!! Going to school is tough for her right now, as she sees everyone as “hating her.” Even her friends’ parents have taken sides since they truly believe their girls “only had a sip” while we know otherwise.

That’s why I wasn’t too strict on her. She was grounded for a few days with the exception of going to gymnastics practice and seeing her boyfriend who is absolutely against this form of activity and was EXTREMELY upset with her actions.

I wonder if maybe her home punishment was too easy.

Thanks,
NEEDS ADVICE

Dear Needs Advice,

I understand what you’re saying and of course it’s hard for you to see your daughter treated so insensitively by her friends. Maybe it will blow over or maybe what happened between these girls marks a parting of ways. After all, your daughter needs to know, and I’m sure you’d agree, that when we don’t share core values with friends, it strains the friendship.

It’s good that her boyfriend was upset by her actions. But she needs to know from her parents that the choice she made to drink was, without a doubt, totally unacceptable to you. She knew how you felt and she did it anyway. Aside from the fact that her friends are snubbing her, are you 100% confident that she regrets what she did? In other words, where is your trust level for your daughter at this time?

If it’s not at “complete trust,” then I’d suggest you talk about this and help her figure out a way to earn your trust back.

In friendship,
Annie

Hey Terra,

I’m 13 and I cut myself. Most of my friends cut too and when my mom found out that they do it, she got mad and asked me why I didn’t tell someone. Then she asked if I did it, and I said no. But lately she seems be noticing that I am always wearing long-sleeves or a wristband. What should I do if she finds out?

Lying Lines

Dear Lying Lines,

What you are doing is very dangerous. You’ve asked me what you should do if your mom finds out that you are cutting, but a more important question that needs to be answered is: How can you get the help you need to STOP harming yourself?

You say that “most of your friends” are cutting. Does that mean this wasn’t your idea to begin with? Would you have thought of this all by yourself as something you wanted to do or did you feel pressured to start doing it because your friends were doing it?

Another question that’s very important to ask yourself and find the answer to is this: Why are you doing this?

Here are some reasons teens have given for their self-harm:

• It relieves tension when they feel upset
• The pain makes them feel “more alive” when they feel numb or dead inside.
• Self-harm (like anorexia) is something they think they can control when other parts of their life may seem out of control.

Maybe some of these answers fit with the reasons you are harming yourself. Maybe you have other reasons. It would be so much better to find a healthier way to express how you feel when you’re upset. It would be very good to have someone you trust to talk to. You need someone who is there for you — someone who wants to hear what you have to say and who wants to help you through the tough times. That person may be any trusted adult. Your mom (who loves you more than anything) could be that person. Or a counselor, a teacher, etc.

You need help and I want to help you get it.

Please think about what I’ve written and write back. We’ll talk some more.

In friendship,
Terra

Hey Terra,

I am doing it because it makes me feel better when I’m stressed or upset. I started before I knew my friends were doing it. My mom reacted negatively when she found out that some of my friends were cutting, like saying I couldn’t hang out with them. She says that they are weak, selfish, and immature for doing it. So I’m thinking, if she feels this way about them, she’ll probably feel the same way about me if she finds out that I’m doing it. I want to know what you think I should do when/if she finds out. Should I try and explain when I know she’ll never come close to understanding how I feel, or are there other options?

Lying Lines

Dear Lines,

You say that cutting makes you feel “better when you’re stressed or upset.” It’s totally normal to want to feel better at those times, but you’re a smart girl and you’ve got to know that cutting isn’t a healthy way to relieve stress.

I disagree with your mom. I don’t think that your friends are “weak, selfish, immature, etc.” Not at all! I think they are troubled and don’t know what else to do when they’re overwhelmed by certain feelings.

They need help.

If you don’t know what else to do when you feel that way, then I’d say you need help too.

Would you be interested in finding some other, healthier ways besides cutting to help you deal with stress and intense emotions?

I sure hope so, because if you continue doing this, I guarantee that whatever problems you’ve got are going to get worse.

Check out this link.

I hope this helps.

And so to answer your question, “What should I do if my mother finds out?” Don't wait until she finds out. Tell her what's going on. Be honest with your mom so she can help you get the help you need to be happier.

In friendship,
Terra