From a Parent:

“Are we doing too much for our 10 year old?”

Dear Annie,

We have a 10-year-old daughter. I have always felt that we were good parents, but looking back, I can see now how we have over-protected her and have not required her to grow up. For instance, she won't unbutton her pants to put them on or take them off because she can't do the buttons. She will only wear slip-on sneakers because she can't tie shoes well. And...she has no interest in trying to learn these things.

She does have chores which include weekly cleaning and setting/clearing the table, but we constantly have to remind her to do these things (and then listen to her complain about it).

She has only 1 friend who she wants to do anything with outside of school. She can be quite bossy and wants to be right about everything so many of the other kids are turned off by her. She doesn't like any of the kids in the neighborhood (and they don't like her).

My husband and I still go into her school to help out and have lunch with her. We each have a day each week when we go in, so she has a parent around twice a week at school. I feel that this is probably not great for her, but I don't know how to stop it. Her teachers encourage parent participation and we enjoy being involved. I just don't know if it's the best thing for her.

As much as it kills me to say this, she can be extremely selfish and manipulative. My husband and I don't know how to relate to this because neither of us are like her at all. We have not given her an abundance of material things because we don't believe in it, but we have certainly spoiled her with time and attention.

She is a good student and does well in school, but socially she is having issues. She seems to be behind where the other kids are with social skills. She acts as though it doesn't bother her and I just worry and worry that we have ruined her.

My mom abandoned me when I was 8 and my husband's mom died when he was 7. Perhaps this is why we overdo it, but whatever the reason, I want to stop and make her grow up a bit. We really thought we were doing things right but it has backfired and now we are confused.

I don't know if I have painted a real accurate picture of what we're dealing with, but I hope you can help us. I'd be happy to provide more information if need be. Thank you for having this forum for us.

Perplexed Patty

From a Parent:

“I think I've made my daughter into one of those mean girls.”

Dear Annie,

Having just read your "Mean Girls" article, I had to write. At times my 13-year-old daughter is one of those mean girls. She's in the in-group and is invited to everything. She also can be critical of others. I blame my husband and myself. I spent 30 minutes at a party last night trying not to criticize other guests. "Look what he's wearing." "She is SO annoying." I sound just like a mean girl.

I am trying to be a better role model, but I fear the damage is done. At this point we are trying for, "You don't have to spend time with everyone, but you may not be mean and critical." I have come to see my parents and siblings as very critical as well. When my mother feels any discomfort, she finds fault with the person involved. I also feel that the school has done everyone a disservice by identifying her group as "the popular girls," and then telling them how they should perform in that role. What suggestions would you make for mean girls parents and teachers.

Thanks,

Corrine