Questions & Answers

Hey Terra,

About 4 years ago I used to date this guy, then we broke up. Then I started going out with another guy, and we were together for 3 years. Well this guy didn't like for me to talk to my ex-boyfriend so I didn't. But I always thought about him, and then about 2 months after me and my boyfriend broke up I showed up on his doorstep. I was just looking for an old friend that I missed, well he seemed to fall in love with me.

We talked for hours and then the next day he told me how he felt about me and how he really liked me and wanted us to start dating again. I told him I didn't know because I had been hurt bad and I was a little scared. He told me to not be scared that he would never hurt me. Well we started going out two days later and we went out for about a two and a half weeks. Then one day after we had had sex he told me that he had to go home and think about some things, then he calls me an hour later and tells me that he's not capable of being with me anymore. He said that it wasn't that he didn't want to be with me, but that he couldn't. He said that he didn't want to be in a sexed based relationship with me, he cared about me too much to let that happen. So now he said that he wants to go back and be friends first. He tells me that he sees me in his near future, and he really wants to be with me.

I don't understand, why did he do this. I tried not to get too serious, but he was the one who did. He told me how crazy he was about me and how much he loved being with me. Now he says that he wants to back up! He wants to be my friend and I don't know what to do. I like him so much and I really want to be with him. How can I get him back? Please Help!

So in love

Dear So in love,

You can't "get someone back" who doesn't want to "get back." You will only increase your suffering and heartache by trying to control something you can't control. You can't control his feelings. You also can't control his choices. Instead of making yourself upset by obsessing over the "Whys" of his behavior, focus on the choices you made.

It sounds like you had some unfinished business with this guy. (Which is part of the reason you "always thought about him" even when you were with the other guy.) It was obvious to the guy you dated for 3 years and that's why he didn't want to hear about your ex. So when you met up with your old boyfriend again, you were wanting to finish the unfinished. You believed him when he said "I'll never hurt you." Well, he might have been totally sincere when he said it and he might have just been saying it. None of that really matters. What matters is doing what's right for yourself... Right now.

There are no guarantees in life or love. The best way to get by is to be true to yourself. By that I mean, take a good look at the choice in front of you, moment to moment, and really think about what makes sense to you and what is going to contribute to your emotional well-being.

If it's too painful to be "friends" with a guy that you've got deep feelings for, then choose not to be friends for now. Take care of yourself.

And, part of taking care of yourself is to express your feelings to people who need to hear what you have to say. Maybe you should let this guy know how it made you feel to have him say all this "love" stuff one day and then talk about all this "friend" stuff the next day. Did it make you angry? Did it make you confused?

Have you told him how you feel about the mixed messages he has sent?

The more open you can be about your feelings, the more you will learn from this experience.

I hope this helps.

In friendship,

Terra

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