Questions & Answers

Hey Terra,

My BF and I broke up about 3 weeks ago and I am still so devastated. He is my first true love and my first partner. We have been going out for almost 2 years. I also wanna mention we are both 20 years old. The reason he broke up with me is because he is moving away. He told me it will not work out long distance (even though it's a 3 hour ferry ride away). We really love each other a lot but he's made it clear he doesn't want to give it at least an effort to see how it would work out. He told me he wants to remain my best friend and maybe one day we will get back together. (Who knows when that day will be.) We are still intimate with each other even though we are not together anymore. I have so much love for him and I cry everyday. It doesn't seem that he feels the hurt same way as I do, but maybe its a guy thing. I also don't want to let him go at all, but if a friendship is what I have to settle for that is what I will take. Is that ok? He is a perfect gentlemen that knows how to treat a young women. That is hard to find these days. Trust me I've looked for a big part of my life. Please give me some advice on what to do. I am completely losing my mind.

Hurt but Hopeful

Dear Hurt but Hopeful,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so sad about losing your bf. Maybe I can help you make some positive changes.

Let's take a look at what you've said. You write that he is your "first true love." You say that the two of you "love each other a lot." If that is true then I don't understand the reason for breaking up. (Especially since you are old enough to travel independently.) So, while he may believe that he broke up with you because of the "distance" it seems to me that there is something else going on. ( A three hour ride is less convenient than living in the same town, but it is not an impossible obstacle to overcome when two people really love each other and want to be together.)

Could it be that, for him, the relationship has changed and he hasn't been honest about what's going on with him? Could it be that he is using the move to redefine the relationship into a "friendship"? I'm just guessing here, of course, since I don't know either of you, but if you are at all confused about why he "doesn't seem to feel the hurt the same way you do" or "why he doesn't want to at least give it an effort to see if it could work" then you should ask him.

As for still being "intimate" with him... That's got to stop! It's totally unfair for him to break up with you but think it's okay to have sex with you. What's that all about? Either you are together or you are not. He is using your emotional vulnerability (and your obvious hope that you can get him to change his mind) to get sex. And you are letting him use you in this way. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but when someone writes to me all upset about a bf who breaks up with her and tells her "you are still my best friend" but still keeps the sexual part of the relationship then something is very wrong here. He is taking advantage of you (something a "perfect gentleman" would never do) and you are setting yourself up for more heartache. Don't you see that? This is not a "friendship", so stop kidding yourself. You are suffering and he doesn't care. He is getting exactly what he wants and you are enabling him to continue to hurt you. Real friends don't do that to each other. And you aren't being much of a friend to yourself by agreeing to sex with your ex. You aren't being honest with yourself. (You know it's over for him but you are pretending that if he still wants sex with you then that means he might change his mind.) You are also losing self-respect by being on-call for him sexually.

You are not getting what you want from this relationship and you have a choice. You can continue letting him define the relationship completely in his terms and crying about, or you can say, "This isn't working for me. I need to create distance from you because I need a guy who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. You obviously don't want me and I don't want someone who doesn't want me."

Then say good-bye and mean it.

Your thoughts?

In friendship,

Terra

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