Questions & Answers

Hey Terra,

Hey I have been with this guy for almost a year and a half. While I have been with him we have had our ups and downs, In fact after four months together he got a call that said he would be sent out for the whole war thing. So I said I would wait for him and I have been. He is 15 hrs. away and I see him on occasion -- not enough once a month or every other month. In this time I have called him every nite to make sure he was all right. I visited him once for 5 days and so on. Well, this past weekend he ended it and I was confused. Come to find out he had a girl where he was for about 2 weeks but nothing serious and no sexual contact whatsoever, so he says and I believe him. Now the problem is I still am totally and completely in love with him. He is my best friend and the one man that I have fully trusted up until this point. What do I do? I know I can move on but I don't want to. I want him back please help... is this a waste of time to get him back? Hey this is me again. First off, thanks for the advice and listen to what happened last night after I wrote you. This guy who I had been interested in called me and told me that he liked me a lot and after things died down with me and my ex and him and his ex he would love to spend time with me! I am so happy! This guy is incredible and all, though I still love my ex, this guy possesses qualities that will make me so happy. I don't know if I am jumping into things or not but would you please keep in touch with me? You give great advice. Write back with what you think.... Thanks.

Lost Without Him

Dear Lost Without Him,

Honey, you can't "get" someone back who doesn't want to come back. It's as simple (and heartbreaking) as that. I know it hurts to be rejected and to feel that the love you have for him is not something he wants. You say that you "can move on" but you don't want to. It may be too soon for you to let go. When you suffer a loss it is normal to feel sad, even to grieve for what is no longer there. Eventually you will choose to move on because the alternative is going to be a dead end.

The best advice I can give you is to take a good long look at all the "ups" of this relationship. What worked between the two of you and what you are grateful for. Then look honestly at the "downs" you two experienced. The things that didn't work very well. Maybe these things had to do with differences in temperament or different needs when it comes to alone time or expressing feelings and communicating. Thank your ex (either in a letter or in your heart) for what you have learned from your time together. Even the bad times give us opportunities to learn. In fact, it's a real gift to be able to take a look at what didn't work in a relationship and say to yourself, "I now realize that ______ is very important to me in a man. The next man I get involved with needs to have that quality." I hope this helps.

In friendship,

Terra

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