Questions & Answers

Hey Terra,

Me and my best friend have been friends for four years. We had other friends that we hung out with also, but we never let them come between our friendship. The only reason why we had other friends is because we couldn't be together that much because of her strict grandmother. But recently she moved in with her mother and we were together almost everyday all day. She wouldn't hardly even do things unless I did them with her. Until things changed.

You see one night she had a sleepover that I couldn't make it to. She had a great time I guess because ever since then she has been spending the night with those girls every day of the weekend. And every break we get out from school. She doesn't even call me anymore. And when she does have time to be with me, we can't be together long without her saying let's go get "such and such" (her other friend). If we are all sitting at the lunch table together and the bell rings she will leave with them and leave me sitting there by myself. Sometimes she won't even say bye.

I am so hurt and confused. I tried to figure out what I did to her, but I couldn't figure out what it was. And it pisses me off to think that I get kicked to the curve after four years for some friends she got crazy about in 3 weeks. I guess our friendship wasn't that strong after all. And to make things worse, she makes excuses for being with them like I was just over there for "such and such" when I know she was over there because that's where she wanted to be.

I think I bore her now because when we are together she's mostly quiet and it didn't use to be that way. She doesn't even tell me anything anymore. They know things before I do. And now she keeps things from me to. I have to listen and learn things on my own. It seems as if she has a new best friend and I wasn't let in on the secret.

What hurts me the most is that I would have done just about anything for her. It's nothing that she asks of me that I don't do, even now.

I have been trying to work up the nerve to tell her, but I don't want her to feel sorry for me and change. And I'm afraid that my anger will get in the way of my true feelings. I don't want her to feel pressured to continue to be my best friend, I want her to be my friend because that's what she wants to do. I just want an explanation and then whatever happens I'll have to deal with it. But it's hard losing someone that you thought would always be on your side.

I know what people mean when they say, "You look like you've lost your best friend." Because I think I have. I'm tired of crying about it. I don't deserve to be hurt. Maybe I should just tell her that we don't have to say a word to each other anymore. Maybe that will make me feel better. Besides, she wouldn't care. Terra, I just don't know what to do.

Left Out

Dear Left Out,

You're a smart girl and your letter reveals a lot of truth. You know what's up and you're hurt and angry about the sudden shift in your friend's feelings. That's totally understandable. You're absolutely right when you say she is with these other girls because "that's where she wants to be." For whatever reason, she is now choosing to be closer with them than she is with you. Is it your fault? No. And to tell you the truth, I don't think any of this happened just because you couldn't be at the sleep-over. I think her feelings were already changing. People grow and change and sometimes that change takes them in new directions away from old friends. I don't think you did anything to cause her to move away from you. So, I repeat, it's not your fault. She has, for now, decided that she wants other friends. It might not be forever and it might.

So what can you do about the choice she has made? Well, you say you've been crying about it. That hasn't improved the situation and you say you're "tired" of crying. Okay. No more crying. You're absolutely correct in saying that you "don't deserve to be hurt". No one deserves that. But lashing out at her with a message of "we don't have to say a word to each other anymore" is hurtful and it's not going to make you feel any better to be nasty to her.

There are things you need to express to her, but I don't think you're ready to do that yet. So here's my suggestion. Back off for a bit. Give yourself permission to unplug from the hurt and anger. Just take a little vacation from it. I understand that you and she have been best friends for a long time and have relied on each other to do stuff with. Now is the time to shop for some new friends. There must be some other people you know who you are friendly with. People you like but maybe don't know all that well because you haven't given yourself a chance in the past 4 years to get to know them well. And they haven't been given a chance to get to know you because you and your friend have been so tight.

Would it be possible (this is just a suggestion) for you to reach out to some other people for friendship? You should not reach out to them to teach your ex best friend a lesson or to get back at her in any way. You should do it for you. You've got a lot to offer a friend and there are people at your school who would enjoy being your friend.

One more thing, friendship is a gift and there are no guarantees that any relationship is going to last forever. Be thankful for the 4 years of friendship you have received. Take what you have learned and let it help you grow as a person and as a friend.

I hope this helps.

Please write back and let me know what you think about all of this. There are some more suggestions I have about how you can feel better about what has happened.

In friendship,

Terra

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