Questions & Answers

Hey Terra,

My boyfriend decided to end our relationship... he told me that he wasn't in love and had never been for the entire one and a half years that we were together. Of course this came as a shock. My main problem was why did he have to wait for such a long time to tell me this? I have worked so hard to trust him completely and to have him turn around and do this is beyond comprehension.

There are a number of "red flags" in this relationship... one of which is that his parents hated me and yes I'm using hate because that's really how they felt about me... see my ex is white and I'm black. And his parents told him that they wanted nothing to do with me... they said "that there was no room in the inn!!" and pretty much told him that so long as he's with me, he should know that he's on his own...

The second troubling factor is that he is an addict... oh oh can I say this? I figured for you to better understand the situation, I have to come clean with you. He's addicted to marijuana. He smokes it everyday all day if he can, and for as long I've known him I haven't spent much time with him "not high".

For a moment there, I thought that I could change him... that if I loved him just a little bit more he might quit using. But unfortunately no matter how much I told him how worthy he was, how loved he was, I could never get him to stop using.

The main reason why I'm really upset right now is the fact I loved him unconditionally, I accepted him just the way he was as I believe that everyone in this world deserves to be loved. I don't understand how I can give so much and sacrifice so much for him and him end up doing this to me.

Thanks in advance for your help.

Shocked

Dear Shocked,

Because this man is an addict, he was able to "do this" to you quite easily. By definition, an addict's first and foremost love is his drug. The relationship he has with his drug is and always will be more important than any other relationship.

He was able to betray and deceive you because you just weren't all that important.

Please understand that this has NOTHING to do with you and the love and devotion you gave so willingly. This betrayal is coming from his inability to give to anyone. He is... An addict.

As much as it pains you to lose this relationship, you have to understand (and maybe you already do to some degree) that you can never have had what you so richly deserve in a relationship had you stayed with your ex.

He could never, as an addict, give in that way.

My suggestion to you is to do whatever it takes to move on because this is not worth longing for.

If what you need is counseling, then honor yourself enough to get it.

"Whatever it takes" means just that, because only in that way will you be whole again and best able to choose your next partner (and there will be another) through clear eyes and the high standards that you really have for a committed relationship.

I hope this helps.

In friendship,

Terra

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