Questions & Answers

Hey Terra,

Love has become an enemy of mine. I fell in love with a boy senior year of high school. We got along and it seemed like everything was ok but throughout high school I would find out about girls here and there that he "hung" out with and some that he even kissed and hooked up with. Never from his mouth did I hear these things but I continued to forgive and date him because I loved him.

We dated for the rest of high school and our first year of college. We attended different colleges miles apart and our relationship was rocky. I never knew what he was doing miles apart or who he was with, it made me insane. Trust became foreign to me when it came to him. I was always true to him and we stayed together until I found out about a so called "friend" of his flying up there to stay with him and it threw me over the edge and we finally broke up for good.

It has almost been a year, and I am still always thinking of him and we talk every now and then. For a while we hung out when we were both home -- he would call and tell me he loved me and missed me we would kiss and be like we were. Then it would go back to being apart and me putting up with all his crap. I found out that he had another girlfriend up at his school.

I am so bitter towards him and his new girlfriend it makes me literally sick and I don't know what to do. My view of boys has changed. I am terrified to date anyone or let it go beyond a certain point. My relationship with my ex has ruined me and my thoughts of love. I want to be free, I want to erase the memories and the hurt, I want to forget him and move on. How can a broken heart take this long to heal?

Broken Hearted

Dear Broken Hearted,

I am very proud of you for writing to me. It shows that you love yourself well enough to know that you deserve to be happier than you are right now. And you can be, with help. Your email is a sign that you are now ready to get the help you need. That help will come in the form of a counselor.

You have been hurt and betrayed by someone you loved and trusted. And as a result, your ongoing feelings of hurt and resentment are compromising your ability to move on with your life. That's where a professional therapist can help you. With your counselor's assistance, the two of you can work together to sort out your feelings about what happened and to examine the decisions you made during the phases of this relationship and since the break-up.

You say that "trust became foreign to me when it came to him" and now it sounds like you have generalized this lack of trust. Which means, that if some nice, loving and decent young man came into your life and showed interest in you, you would sabotage the relationship because you'd be so afraid that he'd betray you like your ex did, that you wouldn't allow yourself to truly trust him. A counselor can work with you on these trust issues. They are key for your future happy relationships.

If you are still a student, then your college has a student health center with mental health services available. Are you ready to make an appointment with a counselor there?

I hope so because I feel very certain that you would greatly benefit from that kind of therapeutic relationship.

In friendship,

Terra

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