Questions & Answers

Hey Terra,

This morning, I was looking for my bf at his house, but he wasn't home. I got worried. I drove to his (pothead) friend's house. I rang the bell and his friend came to the screen door (the wooden door was open so I could see inside and I could smell marijuana). He told me that my bf wasn't there. But I saw someone move in the reflection of the glass on the screen door. I realized it was my bf standing around the corner inside the house listening!

My bf's been telling me that he has not smoked weed in 5 months. I wonder how many other lies he really told me.

I gave up and went home. My parents are so disappointed in my bf, as am I. I love him and care about him, but if he had to hide inside that house and have his friend lie for him, he obviously does not care about me. It hurts so bad. I feel like I lost my best friend, but based on his actions, I couldn't have lost that much. I feel like a failure right now. I cant see how someone I cared about so much, for that long, could do that to me.

I know that deep down he knows he shouldn't be smoking weed, and he knows I disapprove of that. I wonder what he will do now. I never thought things would end this way. I feel so tired and sad. My whole family loved him, and I feel so betrayed that after everything I saw him through in the past year, he runs off to that good for nothing guy to smoke weed. Ya know, I just wanted to be a good girlfriend. I feel really hurt and let down, and a little foolish that he had his friend stand there and lie to me and make me look stupid. Why would he be going back to his old ways, from before he met me??? Please try to help me understand this.

Lied To

Dear Lied To,

He's making all the mistakes, so why the heck should YOU "feel like a failure"? I don't get it. I understand that you're hurt and disappointed, but a "failure"?! No.

And why in the world would YOU "feel foolish" when he chose to have his friend stand in the door and lie to you? That's was HIS foolish choice, not yours.

I think you're very mixed up right now about who is responsible for what and that confusion is making it difficult for you to think straight.

Let me explain it to you: The things you do are your choices. You are 100% responsible for those. The things other people do are their choices. They are 100% responsible for those. See the difference. When you take responsibility for things that you aren't responsible for you will be left with feelings of frustration, guilt, and shame.

Stick with what you are responsible for. And right now, that seems to be the choice to wallow in sadness about what you think you lost (which may not be the same thing as what you actually lost since this relationship appears to have been less honest on his end than you believed). Or, you can take what you learned and move on.

By the way, I understand that you're angry at your bf's friend, "that good for nothing guy"... But your bf isn't a puppet. He isn't doing anything he's not choosing to do. By making the friend the enemy, you deceive yourself into thinking that your poor innocent bf had no responsibility in the choices he's making.

Wake up.

OK?

In friendship,

Terra

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