Questions & Answers

Hey Terra,

I'm going out with a guy who is 16 turning 17. I just turned 14. Mum and Dad have met him and they like him a lot! He's really a great person, but I am not really great in relationships or at making a commitment! I always try to make up excuses why I can't go out with him or why I can't phone him!

We've been going out for a month and a half, and we have been to the movies only once. We've had other chances to do things, but I always make up these lame excuses -- like stuff about basketball trainings and things. Mum knows what's going on and she keeps pushing me to go on seeing him, but I don't want to and it just gets on my nerves!

I do love him so much but I dunno... there is just something there that's stopping me from wanting to go out with him! I've never been in a serious relationship before -- maybe that's the problem! For my birthday he gave me this really nice necklace and now I feel like I've got a contract to stay with him! I dunno. I love this boy, but I just don't want to see him... Is that weird?

Cautious In Love

Dear Cautious In Love,

Well this is a new one! Usually I get letters from teens who complain because their parents won't let them see the girl/guy they love. But you're telling me that your mother is "pushing" you to go out with a guy you don't want to see!

It sounds like you aren't ready for a serious relationship and/or you don't like this guy in that way. That's why you are making up excuses not to see him. He's also probably too old for you. But whatever is causing you to not want to be with him, you need to honor that and trust it. There's nothing "weird" at all about your feelings. In fact, I'd say you know yourself very well (better than anyone else) and you're very smart to listen to your Inner Voice which is saying loud and clear "I'm not comfortable being alone with this guy!"

I have no idea why your mum is pushing you to be with him, but you ought to tell her to back off. This isn't her choice, it's yours.

You say you "love" this boy. I have no clue what that means to you, but clearly you and he don't feel the same way about each other. My strong suggestion is that you end this relationship and return the necklace. Keeping it is making you feel pressured to feel things you aren't feeling and to do things that you don't want to do. It's also creating an expectation in the boy's mind that this relationship is more than it really is. There is no "contract" for you to stay with him. You are free to end this whenever you want. Tell him the truth about your feelings and give back the necklace. Don't let him or your parents talk you out of it. This is your life and you need to honor what you know is right for you.

In friendship,

Terra

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