Questions & Answers

Hey Terra,

Thanks for the response. Actually, Our daughter is 18 months old. She has been with me the entire time of our separation. She has only seen me with the one guy I am with. She knows who her father is even though she only sees him about once a week for a couple hours (not my choice). I wish she could spend more time with my husband but he is stubborn and immature and doesn't want to see her and be with her more often because he says that I just want to go party. Which is not true at all. I want them to bond the way they are supposed to. I have been going to counseling but he will not go with me since he says that he doesn't need any help. I am confused as to what to do at this point. He tells me he needs time but he doesn't spend time with us to see if it would work out. Instead he spends days away from us and only answers my calls when it is convenient for him.

I have always put my daughter first and her needs do come first. He is not doing this. He feels that it is more important to get back at me.

I want to do something special for him for Valentines Day. Do you have any suggestions?

Our anniversary is coming up and I want to do something he will remember. I'm afraid that if I plan something that he will tell me he is busy, although he does not work. I'm very confused about this whole thing. Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!!!!!

Another Try

Dear Another Try,

In your first email you said you wanted to get back with your husband and "make our family work" again. This is a very wonderful goal, but from what you have said about your husband and his willingness to be a "family" with you and your daughter, I wonder how realistic this goal really is.

You say your husband is "immature" and "stubborn" and is clearly withholding love and attention from your daughter because he is very angry at you! Also, you say that he doesn't want to go to counseling because he doesn't believe he needs any help.

Well, there you have it... all the cards laid out on the table. And because of his attitude toward you and your daughter and his spending days away, not consistently answering calls, etc. he has made it very clear that he won't (or can't) make the emotional commitment needed to be a father.

And in spite of this distance that he has maintained between you and your daughter, you still are pushing to get something from him! An anniversary celebration is a lovely idea, but I think you already know what his response will be, so why bother? He says he "needs time" (maybe you know what he means)... so I suggest you give him the time and get on with your life.

I'm proud of you for the efforts you are making to get your life together... the counseling you are getting and the importance you place on keeping your daughter's needs #1 at this time in her life. That is crucial to giving her the emotional foundation and stability she will need to grow up to be a woman who feels good about herself and knows how to make healthy choices.

As for her father, if he doesn't want to be with you and his daughter than you do more harm to yourself and to her by continuing to pressure him into a relationship he doesn't want now.

As for the other man, if he is good to your daughter, and treats you both with respect then that is a very good thing. And if he loves you both and wants to provide you with emotional stability, then that's wonderful. My confusion comes from all of your reaching out to your husband. How does that make the man you are living with feel? I don't understand how you can be in a relationship with someone for 10 months... someone who is the "only father" your daughter knows, and be actively trying to get out of that relationship and back with your husband. That doesn't seem fair to this man or to your daughter for that matter.

If you don't love the man you are with, why are you with him???

In friendship,

Terra

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