“My daughter has been hurt and is still suffering.”
(continued)
Dear Annie,
I want to thank you for your response; I believe it was right on. I kind of told my daughter what you said (in my words) and she stopped calling me altogether. When I call her she sounds angry and gives me the brush off. I don't know what is worst, the knowing or the not knowing. I miss our closeness, and I want to be there for her. My own mother was not supportive at all. When I got married my mother said to me "you made your bed now sleep in it" and we haven't spoken in years.Sad and Confused Mom
Dear Sad and Confused Mom,
I am sorry that your daughter is stuck in her anger and resentment. I can understand how you have tried to create the kind of mother-daughter relationship with her that you wish you had had with your own mother. Unfortunately not all of our genuine and heartfelt overtures toward others are received in the way that we intend.
You have done the right thing by speaking the truth of your feelings and respecting yourself enough to set clear boundaries. That your daughter has reacted in this way is her choice. She has her reasons for being angry -- perhaps you know some of them, perhaps you don't. But you have no control over her thoughts, feelings, or actions. You are not responsible for the way she feels. Nor were you responsible or in any way to blame for the choices your mother made.
When we try to take responsibility for the actions of others, we often cause ourselves great suffering. You do not honor yourself by suffering in this way. You also do nothing to improve the relationship with your daughter.
The best each of us can hope for in life is to be true to our core values. It is a mistake to let people (even the ones you love) to treat you badly. By doing that, you send a message that that kind of treatment is what you deserve. You do not deserve anyone's disrespect. By standing up for yourself, you teach others how to treat you.
For you to resolve the hurt you are experiencing, you may want to talk with a family therapist. Even if your daughter isn't interested in working with you to improve the relationship, talking with a therapist or counselor, could definitely help you feel better.
In friendship,
Annie
Facebook
